Friends

About a week ago (week ago) I was thinking about how I was feeling around this time my senior year of high school. I remember that a lot of my friendships were taking new forms. Some were fizzling away, and other were growing that were incredibly unexpected. I also remember having a deep fear about my relationships with people changing when we all left for college. Some of us in Seattle, Bellingham, Oregon, Montana, Spokane, some of us in the Navy... and that fear was absolutely realized when college started. My friendships did change, because our lives changed.

Just until recently in my life, I always associated change with something negative. I didn't like change, nor did I want it to be necessary, but I always knew it was. The idea that the relationships I had harbored with people, and worked so hard to maintain and to value were going change didn't sit well with me. And the truth is that they all did. Every single one.

Some fizzled away. Some were very clearly convenience friends. And while I still respect the time I had with those, I see that effort was never really part of it. That can be sad. Because it's yet another thing that reminds us that life is so different than we thought it was. And that when push comes to shove, we might be very different than we thought we were. That is petrifying.

But as I said earlier, I used to associate change with something negative. And as life has happened outside the small world of high school it has opened my eyes to how wrong my view was. Every friendship has changed, and some have blossomed into the most beautiful of relationships. Some of my acquaintances from high school are some of my best friends. And the best friends who were best friends in high school have become my partners. They have become the people who we share love that is far greater than just sharing a routine. These are the ones you have to work hard for, when before we thought we were working hard at a relationship when we had the privilege of sharing the same schedule and enjoying our by-chance coexistence. Valuing and being valued are what make up the relationships that are worth it. That you gain from. That build you up.

So this is for those of you who are about to graduate high school, and you are nervous about leaving those you love; if you want to maintain the relationship with them, you will. And I urge you to remember that people are the very things in life we can't replace, and they are essential.

Shopaholic

Lately has been weird, and lately has been hard.

My mind has been going 100mph at all times for the last few weeks.

I am constantly thinking of current situations.

That is so exhausting.

So here is what I have been doing...

online shopping.

Ohhhhh crap.

It's happening again. I have been sucked in by the simplicity of shopping for clothes that I can buy while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and sitting in my pajama pants while eating soup. The BEST kind of shopping. There is so much good in this; no getting into a cold car, no wasting gas, no having to wear a bra. But here's the thing I seem to forget.. I am still in fact spending money. 

But when I get to hide behind my computer screen and no one has to see how much I spent, it's like it never happened. I start to get this feeling like I am having an out of body. It's like there is a little voice in my head softly saying "just press continue, that doesn't mean it's permanent" so I press. Then she whispers (she is a she because she is my female shopaholic, and I think it's my own voice, that's why she is a she,) "Oh, just in case, enter your card number. Just in case." So I do. "Don't forget the CRV code. Juuuust in case." I start to blackout as my information has been entered. I feel as though I have slipped into a coma where I am aware of my place but I am not control of what is happening around me. The next thing I know I see "Thank you for your order!" And 'the voice' is gone. She has run away and only to return when I open my laptop next. 

So anyway... that's weird.

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

treat yo' self

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   The bottom line is that times get rough, and your brain can do mysterious things. It can spiral a little out of control, and make you consume yourself in thoughts that only make you upset. This is normal, and we all get sad. So do the things that make you smile. Just do them. Obviously I am not promoting self destruction, because they may please you in that moment and later make you feel a little emptier, so not that. But go sit in your favorite place with your favorite book. Go watch your favorite movie while eating your favorite dessert. It seems exhausting even thinking anymore... so try your very best to think of the things you like, and not the ones that cause tears to form in your eyes.

You are worth the world, and I like you quite a lot.

Those thoughts in your head don't define you.

And the things or people that put them there especially don't.

11/6/14

In times like today, we must realize that no one wins. 

This is no competition.

Because at the end of the day, there are many victims. Many saddened. And many changed.

Today isn't about bashing anyone on any side. 

Because neither side is "winning".

I am a woman who wants to work with sexual abuse victims for a living. I want to reach out to the grotesquely large number of individuals who have suffered such hardships. I want to help them see they aren't alone and they aren't to blame.

I am also a woman who has had a great deal of respect for a man I believed to be "one of the good ones". It is a huge shock to my system to hear of news that changes that ideal. It saddens me beyond measure, and brings me to a place where I am at a complete loss for thought, let alone words.

But I do know this...
This quote "Okay if this kid got drunk and was molested the second time it happened he should've been like wow I should really find a ride home or try not to be around him. It happened again this kid should tell someone and not jangout with him again. A third offense? Like this kid was obviously not thinking to much" is why our society has been doing so many things wrong. Where in this paragraph do you see any responsibility in the person who was attacking? Where in this statement do you see justice for anyone? Where in these measly sentences do you see fairness? I see it no where. Remove the fact that our "perpetrator" in this instance is someone we all know. Pretend this boy was your brother... does it matter that he was drunk or does it matter that he was abused?

And yet, in the same breath, I want to say that especially at this time, with very little knowledge, it isn't helping to say the disrespectful things about a man who we know little to nothing about in regards to this. My reason for this is not to defend anyone. It's not to sugarcoat the accusations. It's because more negativity in such a painfully negative times only feeds more negativity. Only makes this harder on everyone. Only creates a bigger monster.

Be careful using your words as swords. No words can take away the victims. Oh, how I wish that's how it worked. But words can victimize more, hurt more, scar more. While you may not have empathy for this man, have empathy for his kids who see you speaking about killing their dad. Have empathy for his best friends, who's lives they trusted him with.

This is a dark time for many, and a sad time for those who love Ferris. 

I wish for peace to those directly affected.

This is the kind of thing no one should face, and yet too many do.

The Process

I've recently started pondering all my favorite memories.

All the nights that I remember drinking tea in a dim-lit room, listening to Norah Jones, and talking to any of my favorite people.

The endless times at the Starbucks on 29th since 7th grade where all just seemed well; snow, rain, sun, wind.

The times I sat in many different peoples' cars on the cliff of High Drive talking about leaving for college and all the boys we'd never date.

The floors I have collapsed on from laughter that made me lose my footing, and the face of the person who made me end up there. 

The first date that lasted 4 hours on the same park bench. 

The time Steph and I asked teachers to donate to our "College Fund" so we could get McDonalds fries after school (not my proudest, by far...)

Sleepovers with my girls where we were far too loud and would pretend we were asleep when we heard parents coming to tell us to be quiet.

The duets I have belted in the car.

The wonderful and risky thing about memories like these is that while I was making them I didn't know they would be on my list of favorites.

I didn't know that someday I would tell you about them.

I didn't know that when I am sad I would look to these.

I have come to find that I have so many moments in history that seemed quite insignificant at the time, that turned out to be monumental. I think we all know those people, and may be those people, that always seem to be waiting for the next big thing to happen. If it doesn't sound like something that will create the best story, or be the most fun, they opt out. But if we knew any of those moments were coming and avoided everything else, we would be missing out on the process.  

If a book was written and only had a first page and a last page, it would be a terrible book.

Same could be said for our lives.

Don't pass up an opportunity to make a lasting impression on your heart.

Don't wait for the next big thing.

Big things come on ordinary days, and we often don't give ordinary it's rightful chance to be magical.

The process is the part we remember.

Our perfectly ordinary, everyday, simple, underdeveloped..

PROCESS

______________________________
SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:
journaling about your day
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First Step

Today I opened up a book I have been attempting to read for a while. And as I started reading it, it became harder and harder to continue past the first few sentences. It is strange, because this always happens to me. The beginning of a book is always the hardest to get through. Once I am invested in the book, and it isn't as much of a blind journey, I can't put it down.

Isn't that SO life?

For me, every first step is the hardest one. And every "pre" step (per say) is even harder, because I psych myself out even more than I had the minute before. 

Changing a job...

Getting out of bed...

Getting in a cold car...

Speaking up...

Moving...

I think we can all agree that the first step of something is always the hardest one to accomplish. 

The first commitment. The first word out of your mouth when saying something important. The first note when you're singing. The first kiss. The first date. 

_______________________________

SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

taking the first step

_______________________________

None of the amazing things in our lives have been easy every step of the way.

But without the hard steps we never would have stumbled upon the good ones.

Take the first step.

The second, third, and fourth won't feel so hard.

Just think... at one point you didn't even know how to walk.

XX XY

So here is a little thought that roams around in my head.

The difference between men and women is this:

XX and XY

The rest is a bunch of horse (you know what) that we have simply made up.

And that seems sort of confusing, because obviously men and women operate a little differently. Our bodies are different, our minds are different... but that comes with the XX and XY thing I referred to before. But when it comes to "what it means to be a man" and "what it means to be a woman" that shouldn't have to be so different. 

I shouldn't be expected to dress pretty, get emotional, love chocolate, and make food. 

You shouldn't have to be expected to be tough, get in fights, spit, and watch football.

It just so happens that I tend to fall under some of those stereotypes. And maybe you do, too. But I also love Lord of the Rings, and I used to wear my boy cousin hand-me-downs until about the age of six. This idea of the Battle of the Sexes has really messed us up. 

I have talked about before how I used to tell my mom to lie about my gender so that I could get the Happy Meal toy that I actually wanted. Because if she said I was a girl, dammit I was getting a Barbie. I didn't want that. I wanted the Gadget toy that spun around. Why couldn't they just ask me which toy I wanted? Well, because all girls like Barbies.

 ...and to that I will quote the Grinch when saying WRONG-O.

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

be whatever the hell you would like to be

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I don't care about your biological makeup. 

I also don't care if you like to wear makeup.

I care about what you like.

Just do that.

Dark Hair, Totally Care

What up, babes? How is your raining day today? Mine is so good. I am eating pizza, drinking a London Fog, and watching Friends. Like HI HI couldn't be better. I also have homework I am pushing off, which is lingering in my mind, so that is not ideal. Hello my name is Alison, and I procrastinate. That's for another time...

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

changing your hair

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So, I just got my hair done by the wonderful Russanne Sasser (http://russannekathleen.blogspot.com) last week, and I am in love. She's been doing my hair for quite sometime, and I always love it. But this time it changed me. It made me feel like a badass. I wanted to wear a leather jacket and Rebel from Mac. It is dark and fun. I am all about changing your hair. One reason for this is because it can make you feel beautiful, which you are. I believe in treating yourself and doing things to make you feel confident and worth all the best things in the world. Take appearance risks. Put on the bright lipsticks and wear heels with skinny jeans. Do what ever feels right today. 

Because daaaaamn, you're a dime.

“Love yourself, even a little bit each day, and your life will bloom into infinite joy.” 

Be Jubilant People

On this brisk October day, I am under the weather. Runny nose, cough, sneeze, you name it. This week my sneezes have been coming in 5's. With little to no time in between each. This confuses my body. It sends me into a state of uncontrolled spasms where I can't open my eyes, I have lost the knowledge of my location, and I am unable to stand upright. 

It's weird. 

Anyhoo... I have decided I am going to start adding "something I am all about" in each blog post. Because I want to share mine, and hopefully hear yours. Lately, I have been really focusing on little things that improve my way of life. They can be real little. I'm talking' tiny. But I am really over ignoring my needs as a person, and things that will improve my overall attitude. 

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

doing things that make you happy

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Okay, so this first one is really broad, but it is also one of my very clear truths. I think I am often filling my day with a million things that I don't really want to do. I say yes to everyone who asks me to go do something. I double book myself. Triple book myself. And it's not that I don't want to go see these people, but sometimes... it is. Overtime I have learned that friendship shouldn't be so hard. Yes, any relationship requires work and effort from both sides. But spending time around someone shouldn't feel difficult. This realization has made me start to value my 'easy' friendships. And again, this doesn't mean it doesn't require work of some kind. It means that loving this person is easy. Seeing them is easy. Sitting with them is easy. Silence with them is easy. My sister once said to me that she believed the sign of a good friendship is when you can sit in silence with them, comfortably. I think this is so true. And I don't think into our adulthood that we should have to do anything less.

   This seems harsh as I read it back to myself. And maybe this sort of is. But I think I have just reached a point where I find it acceptable to say that it is okay to not do the things that we don't want to do. If you don't feel like today you can muster up the energy to have one more surface conversation with the same person you have done that with before, then by all means, don't.

I want to clearly say, however, that meeting new people and giving everyone a chance is something I believe in with all my heart. But once you have done that, we need to be okay with accepting that we just simply won't mesh well with everyone. And it is better to do that than try to continuously force a relationship and leave feeling emptier than when you got there. Do not do things that empty you. Just don't do them. Yes, it is sometimes super hard to distinguish between the things that will empty you in the long run and the things that just suck for right now. For instance, working out sucks while you're doing it. Like really bad. With every step I try to come up with a good reason why I am doing this. But without fail, when I am done I have been filled a little bit more. And you know what, if I reach a day where I leave feeling empty, I will stop.

What I hope for you and for myself is that we can be people who can find the things that make us happy, and discard the things that don't. Don't underestimate the importance of being happy, and don't overestimate the effort towards trying to change the things we can't. 

Be jubilant people.

P.S. I want to hear what little things you do to make you happy. I'm open to all ideas.

I am sorry that this is not light hearted

Sometimes it is really difficult to avoid dwelling on the things that cause us pain.

Today is one of those days that I can't help but focus on things I wish I could change.

And the worst part about said 'things I wish I could change' is that I cannot.

Sometimes I start to write a letter to God in my head explaining to him how I can't understand how it is fair to be dying at the age of 20. Or to ask for a favor in keeping people happy and healthy. And to selfishly point out that He knows how extremely I consume myself in worry for other people, and that it's really not cool to let so many suffer, because He knows that means I will, too.

And all of that is bullshit because that is life.

Life is about troubles.

Sadness.

Death.

Loneliness.

Hurt.

Life is about those things, because we only see light at the end of the tunnel when we actually have seen with our own eyes the darkness of that tunnel.

We only know the gloom of storms because we have experienced the joy of the sun.

And while I would like to believe that the worse the pain the better the gain, I have trouble understanding that. Because there are things in life we can't just bounce back from. There are things that will change us forever.

I don't want to pretend I am happy when I am not. And I think part of our problems has been the idea that it is wrong to feel anything but good. When in reality, we all feel emotions opposing that. Feel them. You are allowed to. And you should. 

So, tonight I sit here with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears as I ponder on people who are in the worst of storms. And I pray so so hard that their sunshine is brighter than they've ever known soon. 

But I know that for a while it won't be.

And please believe me when I say I wish I could change that.

I so wish I could change that.

Gifts

I have recently experienced something that has changed my heart and mind when it comes to the world, and my own life. I have felt myself become lighter. Worries that once consumed my mind, are now at peace with me. I have confidence that I will be okay, and my worries will not weigh me down. This is a wonderful thing.

This experience has also made me much more aware. I have started to pick up on things that were always meant for me to pick up on, but my eyes didn't see before. My conversations with those I love go a certain way for a reason. It is no mistake. I say what I say when I say it, for a very specific reason. Most of the time it is to help this person I am in conversation with. And I have felt extraordinarily lucky recently to be able to be that person for someone. Or many someones. 

I believe each of our personalities have traits that come with it that are meant to be of use. For some it may be the ability to give honest and helpful advice. Or exceptional listening skills. Maybe you are good at public speaking and helping mass amounts of people at once. For me, I somehow have the ability to say the right thing. That, when I read it back, sounds differently than I mean for it to sound. Because I most certainly do not always say the right thing. But when I am in conversations with people I somehow always make comments regarding the topic we are speaking about that hits home with that individual. Sometimes this leads to them opening up to me, or being able to talk about their opinion openly, or crying. There has been crying.

This is something I have started to learn about myself in recent years, and it is something my sister and I both share. 

Now, I am not saying this in a way of bragging. Because I truly believe we all have something about us that is unique and should be shared to help people around us. The point of this is that as of recent, I have realized how important it is for us to pay attention to our instincts and to use our gifts for other people. 

For instance, my best friend is the best. I mean, that is given in the title, but it rings so true. She is one of the best listeners I know. She really hears me. And she remembers. I can't even count the number of times she has checked up on me when everyone else forgot I was struggling, or the gifts I have received from her that I pointed out months before. She has blessed me with her gift, consistently. And my life is better due to that.

Regardless of the reason you think you have these BA (badass) skills, or where you think you got them from, just use them. Use them when it feels like you should be. Use them when you aren't sure if you should. Say the phrase that just popped into your head when it does, even though it doesn't make sense to you. 

There is no way we are all here to spend time alone and not interact and carry one another. 

I refuse to believe that.

So use your gift.

Be aware of you.

You're helping people.

All Things Must End

It's kind of cool to think about how many phrases that are negative can be seen as a good thing. I mean, that sounds kind of weird. But it is true. I am strong believer in being able to control a situation with your attitude. Nothing ever needs to be so bad. And that is so much easier said than done, but it is something I have been trying to remind myself of a lot lately.
Take the phrase "all things must end," for example. That sounds really heavy and sad. And in some situations, it really can be.

   Recently my family lost someone very dear to us. And I have yet to feel totally normal again. The absence of this person is very apparent in the lives around me, of people I love and cherish. This man was not any ordinary man, but a man who changed so many lives for the best. During this time, I have been trying to recognize that I am only sad because I was so fortunate to know him. That in itself is a blessing. I am lucky to have so many people in my life that I would be so sad to part with. That seems so twisted and weird, but it's true.
   We are considered lucky in life if we have a small handful of people that we couldn't imagine our lives without. And I have hit the people jackpot in life. I have a very generous amount of people that have brought me such joy and peace. So as life continues, and losing people happens more often than any of us would like, I am going to try so hard to remember that the sole fact that I have loved so many people so very much that losing them is hard, is enough to feel lucky about.

So thinking back on the phrase "all things come to an end," can be of comfort. This can refer to sadness, grief, and pain. It must end, because all things do. And while it sucks so bad when chapters of our life end that we hoped never would, it can bring hope knowing that our pain or sadness or struggle won't be forever. 

It won't. 

I promise.

 

Rainy Day.

Today it has rained from the time I woke up, until now. 

Still raining, still pouring. 

But it is quite lovely.

Missy and I explored around Spokane today in the rain. We sat in Atticus for a while, went to a cool spot and overlooked the city, drove to another cool city spot, and ate lunch at Rockwood. All while still raining, of course. It's strange how your whole city can look different in the rain.

Rain is seriously one of the most serene things. The whole mood in the community changes, and the vibe is very evidently changed. Not always in a bad way, but just a calm way.

There is something to be said about cozying up to a good book and drinking a warm coffee while glancing out the window to the pouring rain.

There is something our society has created that puts a romantic spin on the rain. I don't know what it is....

Is it the fact that after being in it we look like drowned rats?

Is it that we start to get sticky once we dry off?

Is it the smell of our clothing starting to be mildewy?

Is it how our jeans start to seep their color?

Maybe...

But no one can deny the love we long for when it starts to rain.

But it is quite lovely.

Friends

   One really cool thing about life is becoming friends with new people that you never really saw yourself becoming friends with. In fact, currently in my life I have a friend who I thought I would never be friends with. But circumstances beyond my control made it happen that I spent lots of time around her. And I love her! Sometimes we judge a situation or a person based on nothing. When it comes to this particular friend, I knew nothing about her, and still thought a friendship would never ever spark. Not because of anything at all. 

These are the types of situations that are especially sad. These are the opportunities we constantly pass up.

   Today I also had lunch with our maintenance man, whom I have never spoken to before today. And to be honest, I never thought I would. I sat down before he did, and then he asked me if he could join. At first, I was looking forward to having lunch in silence looking through Instagram and Facebook, paying attention to things and people who don't impact my life in any way. But once we started talking, I was so pleased to be across the table from him. After a few minutes he said "So what do you do other than work at the Nordstrom Espresso Bar? Who are you?" I answered that question with the regular and boring answers that it seems people are prepared for, such as "I am a student, I am studying [blank] and maybe [blank] and I might do [blank] for a living." He told me how awesome that was, and then to my surprise said "What else?". I went a little deeper and said I have always been really involved in music. He asked me what I liked to listen to, and this lead to a big conversation about Fleetwood Mac. He then oh so sweetly told me he would try to find the old albums I had never heard and burn a CD for me. 

   While talking about this, he pulled out an apple from his lunch box and started cutting it into slices. He would cut one for himself, and cut one for me. 

One for him. One for me.

One for him.

One for me.

It made it ever cuter that he told me about some trouble he was experiencing lately, and that his wife told him to 'embrace the struggle'. He then said "And the moment I did, I feel so much better. That really was great advice."

I was so taken aback by his unprovoked love and generosity. He became the type of person I wished was my Grandpa, or Uncle, or Friend.

Maybe he did become my friend.

   As we began to part ways he said "Well, this was nice. I hope we can do it again." I hope Dan knows that I really hope so, too.

We will never truly know the joy simple kindness can bring until it comes at us unexpectedly. 

Philosophy

I seemed to have several conversations today that were deep and philosophical. That's not really out of the ordinary for me, considering that my brain kind of goes there on it's own anyway, but today I had more than usual.

With Leslie, Pat, and my mom we talked about how weird and funny it would be to name a pet a noise. Just a noise. Just to call your dog, for instance, loudly by some noise.  It then got us on the subject of names, and how weird those are in general. When I say "we" I mean mostly me, because that always blows my mind. I am identified by several letters that just make a noise. Whaaaaaa?

I then talked with Alyssa, Macee, and Eric over dessert about everything under the sun. We talked about the idea of "White Privilege" and "White Guilt". We talked about the homeless and education. We talked about sexual abuse... We talked about anything you could think of.

My conclusion from these sorta of things is that there is so much to the world. And there are so many people in the world. Options and ideas are not so black and white. And that's what is beautiful about it. We all need to make a conscious effort to not see the world with color blind eyes, but with open eyes and an open heart. However, when it comes to saying you're "color blind" when referring to not seeing a difference between black and white individuals - keep on keepin' on. But have a colorful heart. And embrace colorful people. Ideals. Opinions.

Live an open life. 

Strangers

Yeeeeeeeeellow.

So, this is approximately my 17th blog.

I just get sick of them after a while. And when I go a long distance without writing one I like having a fresh start.

So this is just a simple little thang.

I want to start writing a blog everyday again.

It was fun.

(And Mara wants me to so I know I will have at least one reader.)

So the coolest thing happened yesterday.
All day long my day was influenced by total strangers.

It started at Starbucks with Mara. I walked up the the counter, ordered my drink, and waited for it to be done before I paid. The barista was incredibly impatient with me, for no reason at all. She acted like I was totally putting her out by having her do her job. I sort of giggled at this, because it was slightly comical how much she hated me. This only made her hate me more, I am pretty sure. She was probably around my age, maybe a little older, and for that reason alone I was even more annoyed by how much she disliked her job. We are supposed to hate our jobs when we're 20. Like, it should pretty much be a law. If you landed your dream job at the age of 20, then we should have lunch and you should teach me your ways. 

So after Mara had to go back to school, I drove back up the hill to another Starbucks to do homework. (How I am a Gold Member at Starbucks while working at a different coffee shop, I will never know.) When I first walked in there was a customer in front of me who was the worlds pickiest. I got a good laugh about that with the baristas, and we exchanged a couple stories about crazies, and I went on to do my homework. While I was sitting there I saw two adorable older women having coffee together. Obviously best friends, because the gossip was high and the filter was low. A man then walked in, and went up to one of these women. They had known one another, it appeared, and they talked for a little and shortly parted ways. She sat back down, and he sat next to me. About thirty minutes later the woman came back up to the man and told him something about her life currently, and some struggles her and her husband were facing with another couple both her and the man she was speaking to knew. She then started to cry. He immediately grabbed both of her hands and sat down next to her, and asked her if he could pray for her. She said yes. And they sat together, heads bowed, him praying aloud, and her crying. I tried so hard not to look, and I had to try even harder not to tear up (I am instant crier when I see other people cry, so...). 

Praying might not be your thing. It might intimidate you (me), or you might just think there is no one or nothing to pray to. But if you like bringing someone peace and comfort, you should take after this man. For someone you love it might be bringing them a coffee, singing to them, going on a walk with them, or just sitting together - saying nothing. Maybe it's praying. The point is that he gave her comfort through something that meant something to her.

Today, think about how to comfort those you care for. And also think about how many conversations you've had that have maybe influenced someone near you. 

Most likely, it's a lot.