Shopaholic

Lately has been weird, and lately has been hard.

My mind has been going 100mph at all times for the last few weeks.

I am constantly thinking of current situations.

That is so exhausting.

So here is what I have been doing...

online shopping.

Ohhhhh crap.

It's happening again. I have been sucked in by the simplicity of shopping for clothes that I can buy while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and sitting in my pajama pants while eating soup. The BEST kind of shopping. There is so much good in this; no getting into a cold car, no wasting gas, no having to wear a bra. But here's the thing I seem to forget.. I am still in fact spending money. 

But when I get to hide behind my computer screen and no one has to see how much I spent, it's like it never happened. I start to get this feeling like I am having an out of body. It's like there is a little voice in my head softly saying "just press continue, that doesn't mean it's permanent" so I press. Then she whispers (she is a she because she is my female shopaholic, and I think it's my own voice, that's why she is a she,) "Oh, just in case, enter your card number. Just in case." So I do. "Don't forget the CRV code. Juuuust in case." I start to blackout as my information has been entered. I feel as though I have slipped into a coma where I am aware of my place but I am not control of what is happening around me. The next thing I know I see "Thank you for your order!" And 'the voice' is gone. She has run away and only to return when I open my laptop next. 

So anyway... that's weird.

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:

treat yo' self

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   The bottom line is that times get rough, and your brain can do mysterious things. It can spiral a little out of control, and make you consume yourself in thoughts that only make you upset. This is normal, and we all get sad. So do the things that make you smile. Just do them. Obviously I am not promoting self destruction, because they may please you in that moment and later make you feel a little emptier, so not that. But go sit in your favorite place with your favorite book. Go watch your favorite movie while eating your favorite dessert. It seems exhausting even thinking anymore... so try your very best to think of the things you like, and not the ones that cause tears to form in your eyes.

You are worth the world, and I like you quite a lot.

Those thoughts in your head don't define you.

And the things or people that put them there especially don't.

11/6/14

In times like today, we must realize that no one wins. 

This is no competition.

Because at the end of the day, there are many victims. Many saddened. And many changed.

Today isn't about bashing anyone on any side. 

Because neither side is "winning".

I am a woman who wants to work with sexual abuse victims for a living. I want to reach out to the grotesquely large number of individuals who have suffered such hardships. I want to help them see they aren't alone and they aren't to blame.

I am also a woman who has had a great deal of respect for a man I believed to be "one of the good ones". It is a huge shock to my system to hear of news that changes that ideal. It saddens me beyond measure, and brings me to a place where I am at a complete loss for thought, let alone words.

But I do know this...
This quote "Okay if this kid got drunk and was molested the second time it happened he should've been like wow I should really find a ride home or try not to be around him. It happened again this kid should tell someone and not jangout with him again. A third offense? Like this kid was obviously not thinking to much" is why our society has been doing so many things wrong. Where in this paragraph do you see any responsibility in the person who was attacking? Where in this statement do you see justice for anyone? Where in these measly sentences do you see fairness? I see it no where. Remove the fact that our "perpetrator" in this instance is someone we all know. Pretend this boy was your brother... does it matter that he was drunk or does it matter that he was abused?

And yet, in the same breath, I want to say that especially at this time, with very little knowledge, it isn't helping to say the disrespectful things about a man who we know little to nothing about in regards to this. My reason for this is not to defend anyone. It's not to sugarcoat the accusations. It's because more negativity in such a painfully negative times only feeds more negativity. Only makes this harder on everyone. Only creates a bigger monster.

Be careful using your words as swords. No words can take away the victims. Oh, how I wish that's how it worked. But words can victimize more, hurt more, scar more. While you may not have empathy for this man, have empathy for his kids who see you speaking about killing their dad. Have empathy for his best friends, who's lives they trusted him with.

This is a dark time for many, and a sad time for those who love Ferris. 

I wish for peace to those directly affected.

This is the kind of thing no one should face, and yet too many do.

The Process

I've recently started pondering all my favorite memories.

All the nights that I remember drinking tea in a dim-lit room, listening to Norah Jones, and talking to any of my favorite people.

The endless times at the Starbucks on 29th since 7th grade where all just seemed well; snow, rain, sun, wind.

The times I sat in many different peoples' cars on the cliff of High Drive talking about leaving for college and all the boys we'd never date.

The floors I have collapsed on from laughter that made me lose my footing, and the face of the person who made me end up there. 

The first date that lasted 4 hours on the same park bench. 

The time Steph and I asked teachers to donate to our "College Fund" so we could get McDonalds fries after school (not my proudest, by far...)

Sleepovers with my girls where we were far too loud and would pretend we were asleep when we heard parents coming to tell us to be quiet.

The duets I have belted in the car.

The wonderful and risky thing about memories like these is that while I was making them I didn't know they would be on my list of favorites.

I didn't know that someday I would tell you about them.

I didn't know that when I am sad I would look to these.

I have come to find that I have so many moments in history that seemed quite insignificant at the time, that turned out to be monumental. I think we all know those people, and may be those people, that always seem to be waiting for the next big thing to happen. If it doesn't sound like something that will create the best story, or be the most fun, they opt out. But if we knew any of those moments were coming and avoided everything else, we would be missing out on the process.  

If a book was written and only had a first page and a last page, it would be a terrible book.

Same could be said for our lives.

Don't pass up an opportunity to make a lasting impression on your heart.

Don't wait for the next big thing.

Big things come on ordinary days, and we often don't give ordinary it's rightful chance to be magical.

The process is the part we remember.

Our perfectly ordinary, everyday, simple, underdeveloped..

PROCESS

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SOMETHING I AM ALL ABOUT:
journaling about your day
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