Sometimes it is really difficult to avoid dwelling on the things that cause us pain.
Today is one of those days that I can't help but focus on things I wish I could change.
And the worst part about said 'things I wish I could change' is that I cannot.
Sometimes I start to write a letter to God in my head explaining to him how I can't understand how it is fair to be dying at the age of 20. Or to ask for a favor in keeping people happy and healthy. And to selfishly point out that He knows how extremely I consume myself in worry for other people, and that it's really not cool to let so many suffer, because He knows that means I will, too.
And all of that is bullshit because that is life.
Life is about troubles.
Sadness.
Death.
Loneliness.
Hurt.
Life is about those things, because we only see light at the end of the tunnel when we actually have seen with our own eyes the darkness of that tunnel.
We only know the gloom of storms because we have experienced the joy of the sun.
And while I would like to believe that the worse the pain the better the gain, I have trouble understanding that. Because there are things in life we can't just bounce back from. There are things that will change us forever.
I don't want to pretend I am happy when I am not. And I think part of our problems has been the idea that it is wrong to feel anything but good. When in reality, we all feel emotions opposing that. Feel them. You are allowed to. And you should.
So, tonight I sit here with a heavy heart and eyes full of tears as I ponder on people who are in the worst of storms. And I pray so so hard that their sunshine is brighter than they've ever known soon.
But I know that for a while it won't be.
And please believe me when I say I wish I could change that.
I so wish I could change that.
